


A bun with birthday cake tea on the side

by BrightestOfCrayons



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Action/Adventure, BEES!!!, Blood and Gore, Disturbing Themes, Drama & Romance, Eventual Smut, Fluff and Angst, I'm Not Ashamed, Identity Issues, Inappropriate Humor, Modern Girl in Thedas, Mods are amazing, Multi, Poor awkward Cullen, Slow Romance, Two Inquisitors
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-16
Updated: 2017-09-16
Packaged: 2018-12-13 10:40:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11758122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BrightestOfCrayons/pseuds/BrightestOfCrayons
Summary: Ellie wakes in the land of Thedas, as her Male Mage Inquisitor. It is NOT fun. almost everything and everyone smell really bad, the majority of people here range from Chantry sisters who force their beliefs down your throat to hostile murderer bandits, groups of uneducated dangerous idiots and some of the most untrusting bitter individuals that Ellie's ever had the displeasure of meeting. not that Ellie tries to find excuses for their behavior towards her but can at least try to be that understanding, yet optimistic 'Just visiting slash not staying' foreigner who doesn't get in the way and or goes with the flow when passing through some of the worst areas. it doesn't help that the medieval legal system here is balls! but hey, she's lost three pounds in the first five weeks she's been in the hinterlands, #Goals. nobody thinks of her as a threat, or is pointing fingers and shouting 'Apostate!' either. her right hand might be glowing toxic green under a glove, but it keeps the demons away and it doesn't hurt nor is there a hole in the sky yet(as baffling as that may be) so things aren't all bad. besides, she was planning on getting out of the house sometime this week anyway...just not like this. (Updates at random.)





	1. These mods are a riot!

**Author's Note:**

> I will come back as often as I can to re word things and make corrections so the story doesn't sound like someone doped up on pain killers wrote it. (I usually am, please bear with me.) if you see any spelling errors, feel free to let your inner grammar nazi shine and point it out to me in the comments below. It will make going back to make corrections for the story a lot easier.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie has some fun fiddle farting around with mods.

Ellie had been thoroughly enjoying her pc playthrough of Dragon Age Inquisition during the first week she had bought it and was excited but patient enough to reach each DLC she had also purchased for her game. her friends, who are Dragon age fanatics, find out she bought the game for PC and tell her all about the many mods one might add to the game to make the character and game customization all the more an enjoyable a gaming experience. they link Ellie several modding websites through skype from helpful to downright naughty! Once Ellie started to check them out, boy does she like what she finds. 

The sites reminded her of modtheisms in a way and were fun to browse. the first mod she installed would make her newly created male inquisitor warrior naked, but it was after installing this mod she noticed he had the worse case of Penile agenesis that's she's ever seen.. he was literally like a Ken doll down there. but that was ok, she knew of a way to remedy this. so after installing the mod 'Redcliffe Crafting Supply', that would allow her to buy rare tier three and four base game crafting materials in Redcliffe Village. she purchased enough dawn stone to craft a giant pink greatsword, naming it 'Big Johnston'. With a demon-slaying rune eventually added to Big Johnston when playing further into the game, it became a mighty sword, a sword that would compensate for what her male inquisitor clearly lacked!

she had a blast making Richard Trevelyan a complete asshole, too. He was so salty over his non-existent cock, that he had to take out his frustrations on the rest of the world. It was a sound plot in her opinion, and the game of thrones south park parody opening song she often pulled up on iTunes played in another tab as she crushed her enemies. It was intense and tragically hilarious all at the same time. 

 

After a while, the no penis joke got a little old to her, so she saved and quit the game to browse the more naughty mod sites her friends linked her, which got her thinking she might just find a mod that could fix her inquisitor's 'little problem' with. and what a find it was! she came across the perfect penis! a cock mod so ridiculous, that it would not only allow her character to run all over Thedas naked but it gave her inquisitor a massive veiny hentai monster peepee! but that wasn't all. this mod would also enable her traveling companions the same cocks, as well as the NPC's. the only problem was she had to install a cock for each character individually and worried it might lag her game if she gave a dick to everyone, but she wouldn't know unless she tried... at least the NPC's counted as one person. So Ellie installed and enabled the mod packages and started up a new game! 

When starting the game, she made a sarcastic fun loving Qunari inquisitor rogue named Kevin, who would eventually be wielding custom daggers made of dawn stone, she would name 'Thing one and thing two' once getting into Redcliffe village, because when one had a giant cock, they didn't have to worry about compensating for what they lacked through giant weapons. during the new game, everyone was naked and had a giant penis. Even all the woman. it made both Cassandra and Liliainas good cop bad cop interrogation at the start of the game something to truly behold. Ellie couldn't remember the last time she laughed so hard in her life, watching Varric approach her with a dick so long that it impaled the ground like a pike and dragged through the snowy terrain. On Solas, the dick looked just about as unbalanced and oversized on him as a pair of oversized teeth on a scrawny gangly limbed teen. The chantry sisters walked the dirt paths of haven with such passion rolling under their tones, as they spread the word of the maker but with giant veiny hentai penors dangling between their legs. it made their constant looped religious verbal diarrhea all the more bearable and entertaining in Ellie's opinion...

It didn't help her aching sides when Ellie found a mod that put Cassandra in full bondage gear, that she installed with the cock mods. So when Bull casually asked if he could borrow the Lady Seeker's armor for his and the inquisitor's late night appetites, but not exactly in those words during their travels through the hinterlands, Ellie had to take a break because her sides were hurting her...

After deleting the monster cock mod because the game did indeed crash every thirty minutes or so due to her shit PC, did she find and fix her inquisitor's little problems with another, but this time NOT as massive penis mod like she originally wanted to install in the first place and only for her Inquisitor. the penis had the length and girth of a fa breeze can and the tacked on jiggle physics had her sold on the mod. It was the last time she vowed, to dick around, so to speak. making her brand new male warrior Inquisitor Maxwell roam Thedas butt naked, having several Manley sword fights against giants with his genitals whipping around wildly during the fray. but halfway through the game with such jiggle physics in place, curiosity got the better of her and she began browsing the mod sights again.

While searching through the ridiculous to the most helpful of mods on the sites, ranging from giant cocks or boobs, hair, cosmetics, and even a mod that set the required time for War Table missions to zero, something interesting caught Ellie's eye. It was such a small change, but promising with the right heavy armor for her new mage Inquisitor which would be easily obtained with the 'No class restriction armor' mod and the classic 'Replaces Skyhold/Haven Pajamas with Trespasser DLC armors' mod. These mods really were a riot!

The simplest lovely mod that caught Ellie's eye the most would switch out her default Inquisitor character model with one of her traveling companion's character models. she planned to play as Dorian! and with her Trespasser DLC armor, and slightly more tousled haircut for Dorian would her Dorian mage look-alike be complete. after installing all these changes, She was very pleased with her inquisitor's appearance and schematic for her new trespasser armor she found in her inventory. She even kept the giant dick mod with jiggle physics, so whenever she felt like running out into the wilds to have a Manley naked fights against giants, she could just strip down and go crazy! 

Taking the game seriously now, she set off as her Dorian Trevelyan mage inquisitor to do just that. HOWEVER, it wouldn't be a journey without her mighty steed, the Nuggalope she would seek out and name Shmooples in honor of the pet nug Liliana used to have. 

 

After several weeks playing as her Dorian mage look alike, October arrived. it was Friday the thirteenth, midnight, Ellie's Inquisitor was steadily approaching his final battle against Corypheus. or at least, Ellie thought her Inquisitor was... maybe? she was currently fighting against some gap-toothed bitch named Calpernia over the well of sorrows. during the fight, Ellie paused the game when she noticed her cat was sitting behind the big screen tv she was using as a computer monitor, chewing on the cords. Ellie wasn't having any of that shit, and she didn't feel like taking a trip to best buy just for another HDMI cord right now. So she put the cat on the counter with plate of tuna and grabbed the duct tape.

With Ellie's cat situated, Ellie looked behind the tv to get a good look at the damage. The cat really did a number on the HDMI cord and Ellie feared if she fiddled around with the cord too much or bent it a certain way then she might just lose the picture during what could be an important pixelated fight between her and some ugly woman on Dragon age inquisition. She decided to tape it up after saving the game just to be safe, but during her attempt to fix it did the damn cord electrocute her. She went into cardiac arrest and convulsed for a good forty seconds on the floor before she died.

********************

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just in case you are wondering.. yes, our Qunari man Kevin is the second inquisitor. but since Ellie removed the giant hentai cock mod he will have a normal penis. this isn't a crack fic, you know. :p I might make a one shot about Kevin with his monster cock doe.


	2. Figuring things out.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie wakes in the world of Thedas. pausing the game to mentally prepare herself for it isn't an option because this is not just a game anymore. but then why is there a circular map in the bottom left-hand corner of her peripheral vision? why is there a full life bar above it around the top corner? why are there a set of attacks and options lined up in a row beside the map nearing the bottom? there are no buttons! how is she supposed to access her rift mage abilities?! does this mean she can go into 'options' somehow and switch the difficulty of this life threatening predicament to casual? what an odd dream. (If only you knew my little victim! and it sucks to be her because life will forever be locked on hard and go up in difficulty along the road. x3)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All characters will be level twenty-five in skill from the start, their specializations unlocked which include Ellie's under rift mage and Spirit because those are the ones I chose when playing the game and know more about. it's the level I reached too during my last playthrough of the game. I do not like Madame De Fuk, as I like to call her, because, de fuck is wrong with her?! my dislike for her will show through Ellie... how can she be so mean to our sweet little cinnamon roll, Cole!? She can go suck a wrinkly old dick! -Grumbles.-

Waking up with a beetle the size of your hand on the side of your face in the middle of bum fuck nowhere forest isn't what anyone expects when waking up to go about their day. her limbs were already sore, and her balance was off as if she wasn't used to the limbs attached to her body. the warmth pooling in her lower abdomen was especially difficult and the awkward rising that followed by what she chose to ignore only made things worse. 

 

Ellie screams, swatting the beetle a good five feet away with the back of her hand, only to scream again when five more decide to fall from the tall tree she found herself under. each beetle land on her breastplate, hissing and vibrating menacingly, their pinchy butts grabbing onto the cloth of her armor. they were unlike anything she's ever seen or heard before and could have lived without knowing of their existence, or so she thought, attempting to stand up and brush them all off in a panic. she stumbled thrice like a baby fawn walking across the frozen ice for the first time. Ellie screamed again when another beetle fell on her head and Several birds scattered and squawked from the powerful mind blast leaving her body that rustled the leaves and disturbed several nests up in the trees. the force of it knocked the beetles to the ground, as they too had scattered, unwilling to try crawling on her again. Ellie shut her eyes and fell on her back from where she sat, bringing the back of her wrist up to rest on her forehead. she was sweating and felt drained. unsure of what she just did, but that she wanted those bugs off of her quite badly. 

 

The moment she opened her eyes did her brows furrow, cause, was that... was that a life bar at the top corner of her peripheral vision? she reached out to try and touch it but her fingers went through it... "odd.." she noticed there was a circular shape below it, a small triangle in the center of what appeared to be a pool of gray. almost like the maps on GTA or Dragon age... but there was a bar of rift mage and spirit abilities lined in a row stretching to the right at the bottom of her peripheral vision in the shape of eight little diamonds. each filled with both rift mage abilities, and spirit. beside it, a familiar little hourglass and beside that were three little gray circles. one holding what looked like a red bottle with a heart on the front of it. The last two void of anything at all. which wasn't surprising. Ellie didn't go after recipes to other tonics in Dragon age inquisition, it was too much effort to maintain a fair amount of herbs for the other mixtures in her opinion. where would she even get bees anyway? she didn't feel like googling it and didn't bother with it. fuck that tedious shit. under the red bottle did it read '12/12' in bold white print. "I've been playing dragon age way too much if I'm dreaming about this shit..." or so Ellie muttered in a deeper voice than what she was originally used to speaking with, all the while eyeing the other circles on the bar. It was strange... the 'mount' horse head was on the far end in one circle where it always was, but the other selections she could choose were no longer there. in their place, a picture of a map sat in a circle beside her empty tonic slots, then a purse in the other, and lastly was there what looked like a chart with several unchecked boxes and one check mark at the top of one box while an x sat in another.

 

Each made her curious, and she wondered which to mess with first or even how to go about it since she couldn't touch them. she was a little scared to try out an attack, too. she didn't even know if she could do it again. did she just have to want to? Glancing over at a tree, did she think about wanting to hit it with a stone fist. nothing happened, but perhaps that was because she was hesitant to hit the tree with a stone fist, fearing the bits of the fade rock would burst into pieces and hit her with flying debris once it shattered and flew whichever way.... it might just wake her up from this extremely vivid dream if she were to be hit! it was almost like she was really in the Hinterlands! but everything was far more realistic than in it had been in the game. or at least it could be the hinterlands. There wasn't anywhere else in the game that looked like this. Ellie sat up, folding her legs and places her gloved hands on her armor-plated knees to give them a light squeeze. her heart wasn't beating as fast as it was when those nasty bugs landed on her. After a few minutes of sitting in silence and listening to the wildlife around her which was mostly birds chirping and the cold winds gently rattling branches. Ellie decided after a moment, that ignoring the attacks lining the bottom of what she could call 'her screen' would be a good idea for now. instead of focusing on the attacks, she looks at what appeared to be a chart, a purse, and a map.... 

 

It was a long shot, but she tried closing her eyes and focusing on the chart. nothing happened. she sighed, opening her eyes again only to have her breath taken away when seeing what appeared to be a big screen tv hovering in front of her. black wisps of smoke dancing around the edges held it in place, the same black smoke that her mounts usually disappeared in when they were left idle for too long. the screen vanished in tendrils of black scentless smoke that blew away with the wind because she had been staring at it for half a minute, thinking really hard about it all. "Fascinating..." she thought of the chart looking icon again, and her character's record appeared. her Dorian look alike mage she had last played as were there, well the top half of him anyway. his tousled hair was still there, as was his fabulous mustache and Trespasser armor minus the whole inquisition logo. something to think about later when she wasn't marveling over the fact this Dorian looked so real... and beautiful. Ellie brought her hands up to cup her face and squealed. "Best. Dream. Ever!" she shouted, and fangirled for a good five minutes afore pulling up the chart again to get a good look at the window? she wasn't sure what to call it. "Character record it is..." or so she muttered, willing it away with a single thought. "Interesting..."

 

Her eyes roamed to the purse icon and thought hard about opening it. the same large screen appeared again, but this time displaying her character's full body..."My inventory?!" curiously, did she try to reach out and touch the screen to see if it would open her weapons. her finger went right through the bold white word, and her brows furrowed. Pausing for a few seconds, did she think about looking at what weapons she had this time. sure enough, it opened up for her. After five minutes of dicking around with it, was she looking and scrolling through what very little she had using her mind. only twenty pieces of gold, but her schematics were there as were all her crafting materials. her custom staff named 'Narrow rod' was there. 'Big Johnston' from her first playthrough too...oh! 'thing one and thing two' as well, when she was playing as Kevin! she laughed when remembering big Johnston and just like that was the great sword on her back in a sling. This startled a squeak out of her. Ellie blushed and brought up her right hand to rub at the front of her face when she couldn't will it back into her inventory. she needed to put it back but it wasn't what her heart wanted, so on her back did it stay. she only sighed again, rising to a stand. "I can't use it but it's not every day I can walk around with it in a dream.... if only for nostalgic reasons." 

 

Ellie decided to open the map Icon, and sure enough did a screen appear and mimic the one when awake and playing dragon age inquisition....where she had already been in the game was visible but there were no giant stone walls surrounding the outside of the hinterlands anymore. just an outstretched sea of gray. a little-pointed triangle represented where she was, located somewhere in the deep west on a patch of gray. She could not fast travel, or so she discovered after nearly straining herself trying to will her way back to the toggle point of the crossroads. "Can I even summon my mount?" Sarcastically questioned Ellie, and just like that did 'Shmooples' come trotting from behind her, brushing against her shoulder with a bluster and making her scream again from the unexpected touch. 

 

***********************************


	3. Shmooples

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little Fluff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not really doing anything today, cause it's way too hot where I am. Humid. -Wrinkles nose.- So here is an update. I might just update a few other fics of mine today too, no promises. though I can tell you, we got blood and gore coming up in the next chapter. LOTS of it. prepare thy anus for page rape when it does come out.

Coming face to face with the adorable 'Greater' Nuggalope she had named Shmooples had to be one of the most wonderful experiences in Ellie's life, for the creature was again unlike anything she's ever seen. it was almost as if a rhinoceros got it on with a dwarf goat and their offspring made it with a chimp, the Nuggalope being the final result from what Ellie could only imagine being one of the wildest offscreen interspecies canoodling scenes ever. she had brought her gloved palm to its snout, giving the creature a gentle petting and in return had it nudged her palm as if willing her to continue. it even responded to its name by licking her fingers each time she cooed at what she thought was a beautiful beast. "Could it be you, much like myself, remember our virtual travels together through pixelated plains?" Ellie cooed, moving her hand from the greater beast's snout and to the underside of its chin to give a few soothing scratches which earned her a bluster in return. "I'll take it that means yes." 

 

Glancing down at Shmooples feet, did they look a lot like the oversized hand of a chimp. Ellie couldn't help but blush because they were adorable. in that 'So ugly it's cute' kind of way. "Cute! cute!" Glancing around Shmooples, was there a harness. the white bold letters which read 'Mount' hovered over the saddle. Now, Ellie had never ridden a horse before or in this case 'Nuggalope', let alone climbed up a beast of this size before, so she had no idea how this was going to work. 'I wonder if I could just..' reaching out with her mind, much like she had done with her inventory had she thought about wanting the mount the Nug. Sure enough, her body began to move on its own and climb up the nug much like she remembered when playing the game but with the privilege of seeing it through a first-person camera angle. It was almost like using oculus rift, but this was like, a hundred times better. "Ok, so far, interacting with my mount, attacks, map, and all that jazz work by using my mind. and I have to want to do it, without hesitation or it won't work.. " once seated, did Ellie try to think about where she wanted to go. five feet away by a patch of flowers. 

 

Shmooples trot over to where she thought she wanted to go. "Ok, this is not as difficult as thought it was going to be." when Shmooples slowed to a stop had Ellie brought her hand down to rub behind the Nuggalope's ears, earning several satisfied noises in return. Thinking on the Map Icon, did it hover in front of her much like before and sure enough had the triangle which represented her, move some. there was a bright orange line trailing behind her, that showed her how much she moved. which wasn't a lot considering the outstretched lands no longer barricaded with large stone walls around a small section of the Hinterlands she remembered venturing through once in a video game. Looking it over she thought about exploring to lighten up the map. there were few question marks littered throughout the sea of gray. 

 

Ellie thought about traveling to the closest one to get started. when willing the map away she noticed there was a blue toggle point on the closest question mark in the circular map, which confirmed a theory that her magic in this dream was driven by her wants and emotions more than needs. it was a dangerous thing, to be ruled by one's emotions. but then again, that was every woman's life in a nutshell and could not be helped. "Alright Shmooples, let's go!" and like that, Shmooples began to trot off towards the blue toggle. Ellie glanced behind her one last time, glaring at that horrible tree with bugs in it afore turning back around with the reins steering Shmooples gripped firmly in her hands, as she began to navigate through Ferelden using the small circular map hovering around the bottom left corner of her peripheral vision.


End file.
